The Grief Process: Phases of Grief and Spiritual Guidance

The Grief Process: From Farewell to Reflection

The grief process often begins only with the farewell ceremony. Before that, the relatives are usually occupied with the organization of the death – with formalities that demand the mind and heart. Only with and after the funeral does space emerge to reflect on the event and allow the feelings to surface.

As a funeral speaker, it is my task to find the right words that gently initiate this process. Words that not only console, but nudge the grief process in a positive and healthy direction. In the mystical depth of farewell – whether at the cemetery in Zurich, at a memorial service in a familiar circle, or when scattering ashes in the mountains, by the lake, or in the forest – the ceremony becomes a mirror of the deceased's personality. Relatives of all faiths are welcome; upon request, we interweave symbols and rituals from different traditions so that every mourner finds comfort in their own language of faith.

The grief process is a gift of the soul, a spiritual journey that teaches us to honor life in its transience. Every death admonishes us: Live consciously, take responsibility. In the Christian tradition, this reminds us of the words of the Gospel – "Be watchful, for you know neither the day nor the hour" (Mt 25:13) – while the Zen path invites us to mindfulness in the here and now. Thus, grief guidance becomes a bridge that transforms suffering into wisdom.

The Phases of the Grief Process: A Path of Healing

The grief process unfolds in phases, like waves that wash over us – not linear, but circular, sometimes recurring, always individual. Inspired by spiritual wisdom and the Christian hope of resurrection, I accompany these stages as a funeral speaker with rituals that offer comfort and orientation. The classic phases, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, invite us to symbolically embrace the pain:

1. Denial: In this first phase of the grief process, the soul protects us from overwhelming pain. The loss seems unreal, like a dream. As a funeral speaker, I help here with gentle words and rituals to touch the ground of reality – for example, with a candle ceremony that symbolizes the light of the deceased and initiates the transition.
2. Anger: The pain erupts as rage – toward God, fate, or oneself. Why now? In grief guidance, I integrate elements of Zen to hold this anger mindfully, and Christian prayers that invite forgiveness. A funeral can become a space of catharsis here, where anger is released in prayers or symbolic actions like throwing flower petals.
3. Bargaining: We search for ways to undo the inevitable – "If only I had..." This phase of the grief process is a spiritual quest for meaning. As a funeral speaker, we weave into the farewell ceremony elements that emphasize gratitude for what was learned, and recall monastic wisdom: Everything has its place in the grand fabric of life.
4. Depression: The depth of grief envelops us, a valley of shadows. Here, the grief process is most intense; the loss becomes tangible. In my ceremonies, I offer comfort through mystical elements – such as reciting Psalms or Zen meditations – that lead the mourners into the arms of the community and the Divine.
5. Acceptance: Finally, peace returns, a new order emerges. The grief process culminates in wisdom: The deceased lives on in our hearts. As a funeral speaker, I conclude the funeral with a blessing ritual that symbolizes this acceptance – for example, by planting a tree or scattering ashes in nature, to honor the cycle of life.

These phases of the grief process are not a rigid scheme, but a flowing path supported by grief guidance. In Switzerland, with its picturesque cemeteries and spiritual places, a funeral can frame these phases with particular dignity.

Child Funeral: The Most Painful Farewell and Its Grief Process

All parents dread the day they must carry their child to the grave. A child funeral is a deep tear in the soul, where the grief process must be accompanied with particular gentleness. As a funeral speaker, I design such funerals with empathetic softness, integrating child-friendly symbols like candles, flowers, or personal rituals that pay homage to the little souls. The pain is immeasurable, yet in spiritual depth, we find comfort: The child, a spark of the Divine, returns to the arms of the Eternal. The grief process here is a healing journey through darkness toward light, where questions of why lead to deeper acceptance.

The Meaning of Life: A Question Renewed by Every Funeral

With every funeral, the question of the meaning of life is brought back to consciousness. Who is next? When will I die? Why all the efforts and suffering if death awaits at the end? These questions, symbolic of the mystery of life and death, invite us to look deeper. As a funeral speaker with Zen and Christian background, I remind in my speeches: Life is a pilgrimage, a preparation for eternity. Every death is an admonition to take responsibility – for our actions, our being, our relationships. In the Zen spirit: "Live as if this were your last day." In Christian wisdom: "Whatever you do, do it out of love" (1 Cor 16:14). Thus, the grief process becomes an opportunity to reorder life anew.

Responsibility in the Grief Process: A Personal Reflection

At every funeral ceremony, as a funeral speaker, I ask myself: Is my doing and being truly meaningful? Every death is a reminder and admonition whether I am taking the greatest possible personal responsibility in my life. The grief process admonishes us all: Have we done enough? Could we have helped? What did we do wrong? Yet in spiritual depth lies the answer: Not guilt, but grace. The grief process is a path of forgiveness – to oneself and others – a gift that creates order and opens the heart.

A touching testimony reaches me from Josef K. (85) from Romanshorn:

Dear Abbot Reding,

It has been a few months since the funeral of my daughter. Last year, I had to bury my wife, and now my daughter as well. Both took their own lives. Often, of course, the question arose why this all happened to me. Whether I had done too little? Whether I could have helped? What did I do wrong? At first, I didn't want to come to the funeral at all and didn't know if I could endure it.

But now I am very glad and grateful. For through the funeral ceremony and your words at the farewell service, I was able to place everything in a larger context and slowly bring some order back into my life. I now experience the grief process as a great gift. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your work.

Warm regards, Josef K. (85) from Romanshorn

Such words touch deeply and show: Grief guidance through a funeral speaker can transform the grief process into a healing experience.

If you are planning a funeral or funeral ceremony – whether a child funeral, an alternative burial, or a spiritual memorial service – please contact me. Let us create a ceremony together that offers comfort and honors life. In dignity and mindfulness, for all faiths.